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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two
large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out
and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and
has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but
pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand
into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him
cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have
you got in the bags?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the
bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan,
and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in
a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I
can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Each year the Washington Post asks its readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it either by adding, subtracting or changing only one
letter and supply a new definition. Enjoy this year's winners.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)
Karmaggeddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
And the winner:
Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
Some time in the future.......
Tony dies and goes to hell. He is greeted at the gates by the hell's
room allocator who addresses him with the invitation specially
reserved for Kings, Presidents, Dictators and heads of state.
Tony, " you can choose any one of these rooms, so please inspect
them now".
He enters the first room and sees Douglas breaking stones with a
sledge hammer all day long. "Let's see another room please I have no
desire to work so hard for eternity".
In the next room he see Charles diving into a pool of hot water, over
and over. "No Sir that will not do either, I never learnt to swim".
In the last room he sees Bill Clinton lying on his back with his legs
spread wide and Monica sucking what she likes best.
"Ah yes" Tony says," that's more like me. I want this room".
"Ok", says the devil," Monica you may leave".
A voice spoke to me during my sleep May 5th, 2005.
Dominica was wicked and over-populated and so you are hereby
instructed to build an Ark and save two of every living thing. Here's the blueprint", said the
voice "Hurry.... in six months you will witness the start of unending rain for 90 days and
90 nights."
Six months later the rain started. While I was weeping in my flooded yard.... and no
ark I heard a familiar roared, "Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, "I begged. "Things have changed. I needed a building permit.
My neighbours claim that I have violated the neighbourhood zoning
laws by building the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being
exceeded. We waiting on the Housing Appeal Board for a decision.
Then Public Works Department ,Domlec and Dowasco wanted a bond posted for
the future costs of moving power lines, repairing mains, road maintenance and
to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued the sea would
be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees and the noise of chain saws would disturb the Sisserou parrot. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the parrot. No go!
I gathered the animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights
group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their
will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a
space.
Environment Dominica decided that I could not build the Ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on my prediction of the
impending flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my
building crew. The trades union wants me to hire only Union
trades-people with Ark building experience. The Carribs disaggree however.
Haitians are out in force protesting while the Spanish girls in Portsmouth
are just waiting for wages to be paid.
To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue Division seized all my
assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally. So, forgive me
but it would take at least ten more years to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow
stretched across the sky. I looked up in wonder."You mean you're
not going to destroy the Dominica?" I asked.
"No", said the voice. "The Government's rules and regulations beat me to it."